Woke up today and came across of couple of decent blogs that have both decided to stop writing i just thought yeah fuck it, i can't be bovved either anymore so that's that. Laters fish.

Woke up today and came across of couple of decent blogs that have both decided to stop writing i just thought yeah fuck it, i can't be bovved either anymore so that's that. Laters fish.

My best booday and housemate Scotch has a saying known as negotiations which basically refers to when the dirtay ginger haired fish is trying to get a shag by chatting up a bird (negotiating) either in person or usually via text msg on his mob. Scotch has never had that great a record with the ladies tbh, he's done ok, however, recently the little orange rat has done alright for himself. Last Friday he randomly pulled some 22 yr old bird in a pub called the Horns and went out for a drink with her later in the week. Whilst he was out with this bird they had a few drinks got abit merry and then this bird turned round to him and basically said, "i hope you don't think i'm a slag but can i come back to your place" Mother fucker, why can't i meet a bird like that? So, the slutpig only ended up getting his willy wet didnt he the bastard. I find it hard to believe that any bird would want to go anywhere near his small smellay ginger tool let alone let him stick one up em lol. Anyways, fairplay Scotch you have been cracking me up recently, you're a ledge. Not only did Scotch rump her he also poomped her oop the ass, dirrrrtay bitch. Apparently she asked him to do it so being the 'gentleman' that Scotchy is he naturally obliged. I think Scotch blasted his load after about 5 minutes actually because he weren't in his room long before he came out and the pissed cunt genuinely asked me if i wanted a drink? He popped his little ginger face round the door and his exact words were....Jonesy do you want any juice?? I was like WTF??? I don't want any of your 'juice'

Later in the night i was in bed doing my usual, surfing the internet for good free porn, cock in hand, when i could hear Scotch pummelling this poor girl again and that's when realitay hit home, WTF am i doing??? I have got to get back in the game, i have got to put myself back on the market, in the shop window so to speak, i have got to start negotiating again!!!! I just ain't been that bothered with the ladies recently, i need to start utilising my psychological powers again, i can't have Scotch getting more rumpage than me, its just unacceptable lol.

I immediately set about some re-negotiations with some bird i met a few months back who i really liked at the time but was too fooking lazy to arrange to see her a second time. I wrote a post about this 'lucky' lady a while back, here it is. I think you'll agree its some of my finest work, makes me laugh when i read it back anyways, im sure Paddy is still gonna come back to haunt me one day. Im meeting this bird on Thursday night in Clapham where she now lives, hopefully we'll have a good crack.

Oh shit, just remembered something about our Scotchy that made me laugh. He meet up with this bird for a second night and she brought round a bag of sex toys!!! Scotch said he ended up sticking a load of anal beads up her bum hole. He said they where flashing and vibrating plastic balls, i was pissing myself, he told me that he was too scared to look what else was in her bag of sexual goodies, the mind boogles. Fuck knows whats in store from him if he meets her for a third time, my imagination can only wonder?? Perhaps she will bring round her twin sister or something, maybe i'll even get to have a go?

I went out on the piss with a few of the lads on Friday night with my new negotiation beliefs firmly installed. First up me Simms, Ads and Dan played abit of pool and then some poker in Rileys. I didnt crush Simms soul like the last time we played but the muthalicker did suckout on me once thou, although he also made one sick call against me with 94o when he had summat like 3rd or 4th pair, and he was good, grrrr. It was one of those genius/donkay type calls, you're a donk Simms ;-) After the pokes we went to Walkabout and then Kandy Klub. It turned into a good night, i hadn't eaten all day and was knocking back the Vodka RedBulls and Samboooookays and ended up quite ball bagged. I randomly got chatting to this bird at the bar and spent much of the rest of the night with her. From what i can remember she was quite a good looking girl and i think i done alright for myself although i have been wrong in the past. This bird is called Darya and is half Swedish half Slovakian babay! The only stumbling block is that i was sooo pissed i can't really remember much else about her and im not sure how you pronounce her name, i kept getting it wrong and that could fuck me up. I think she is only 19 yrs old aswell, not sure., Amatay may have bagged himself a Swedish twinkey, woooooot. I received a text message from her today when i got back from the gym asking me if i wanted to meet her in Covent Garden but it was abit short notice tbh and the footy was on so i made some bullshit excuse and we should be meeting up sometime soon.

I think i paid for a taxi for Darya to get home and then fuck knows what happened after that because i found myself staying the night at a bird called Tara's gaff looooool. I've pulled this Tara bird before, shes a mate of my sisters and im not sure how i ended up there really but its all cool. Dunno if i'll see Tara again, i'll see how i feel. I basically died all day on Saturday, i felt sooo sick, im such a larry.

Right, time for some poker news lol. Ermmmm, not much going on atm accept to say i play sooo shit, i really do suck at this game sometimes. I wonder how the fuck i make money at this game and how i rely on it to pay for bills, food and for taxi's for half Swedish half Slovakian birds, i play so bad. Nevertheless, even though at times i slate myself i have broke even since my last post with the help of $400 in rakeback. I've bluffed off quite a few hundred recently which has pissed me off, i don't know why i bother? Profit for May is still $1800 but i have got some very good bonuses on the way that will be a big boost, hopefully i'll have a good week at the tarbs. Laters fish.

New blog on the scene. Very funny and well constructed. Feel IC_Dead Fishays pain and listen to his tales of woe and anguish that he encounters on a daily basis. Let him take you on the journay and of a 'lifetime' and experience the many many barrrd beats he suffers at the hands of the mirco donks on Party Poker for yourselves. http://icdeadfish.blogspot.com/

Played a few hours tonight and made $250 odd but it kinda feels like a losing session as i was up over $750 and flying. I played a couple of hours in the afternoon and ended up down about $130 before popping round my mate Bills gaff to sort a few things out and then returning to the cyberfelt to bascially crush everyone. However, in about the last 30 odd minutes of my sesh alot of my profit vanished. This hand really fucked me off, i knew i was beat on the river and should have saved myself $116. Oh well nevermind, May has been pretty good so far, I have made $1800. My Poker Tracker highlights my laziness as i have made this amount in 18 hrs so about $100/hr which is quite good going. Need to start playing 40 hrs a week. More online antics tomorrow i guess, its my job ain't it :-) :-( ????

After my last post, which i received abit of stick for, i played abit more pokes and made about another $60-70ish. On Friday i had my cup Semi Final to sort out. For any new readers to my ghey blog i run a mens college footy team from Hammersmith where i used to work as a Sport and Exercise Science Lecturer (now im just a lazy poker bum). Also, if you are new to the blog where the fuck have you been, this is the best blog on the planet babay! Anyways, we had our strongest possible squad available except for one minor detail....our goalkeeper decided to blow it out without any notice! Ryan Nagle you CUNTTTTT! It fucked us right up. I stuck a winger in goal and we trailed 1-0 at half-time to a flukey goal. Second half we came out all guns blazing, equalised and then dominated for 20 odd mins until they scored again via a corner, slut! It took the mother fuckers 70 minutes to realise we had a winger in goal ffs lol. The shots started to come from all angles and we eventually lost 5-1. It was really disappointing as we are definitely a stronger team than Kingston, oh well.

On Saturday, i went out on the piss all day starting at midday. I met up with loadsa peeps during the day/night and it was a good crack. It was my mate Rob's b'day and he had planned a 22 pub crawl in Watford. I managed about 19-20 pub/bars i think, it was fucking messy. No rumpage as usual but i've got a few potentials on the backburner if i can be bovved to pull my finger out.

Sunday was recovery day. I went round my parents for abit, a nice Sunday roast always sort out my hangovers out, saw my sis and my little niece then minced at home. Played abit more $3/6 limit with Mr Cea again this time losing around $180 mainly via a few dirtay beats, ak v a9 and kk v qq, the bitches hit on the turn both times, grrrr. I also played a few donkaments with my best result being 6/90 in a $26 when i flat called a raise with AA and got it all in on a Qhi flop with the fish holding Q4 lol. No Q no 4, no Q no 4, no Q no 4, just the old runner runner rear entray floosh, fucking SLUTPIG! I got $108 and finished the day down about $165 in total.

Today, ive played about 8 hours of poker and made $1050, wahooo. I basically just sat here waited for the nuts and then blasted, it works everytime. Nah seriously, i felt like i played really good today. I did flop monsters but played them good, i bluffed, both successfully and sometime unsuccessful and just found a way to win like i usually do, might post some HH's tomorrow. Got some other shit to blog about concerning future poker plans etc but im bord now so goodnight fishlings ;-)

Just played about one hour on the old cash tarbs and had abit of well deserved luck with the pocket 6's. In total i made $600 but logged off as i have got a couple of things to sort out. Im gonna play some more tonight, hopefully i can catch a few more flops like these bard boys.......

Small donation with the devil v AK hi lol

I run soooo good, ahahaha. I did have a few bad beats aswell, honestly. Any session small or large without the odd beat dont feel right. I actually had AA cracked aipf by k10 on one hand lol, and also turned a floosh and get it all in only to see some muthalicker with top 2 pr up on the riveee, grrr. I ain't complaining thou, nice little relaxing hour of poker.

Yesterday i played abit aswell after the nightmare of Tuesday night when i dumped off $900. My cup Semi-Final was rained off and will now be replayed tomorrow which i am looking forward to. In a way i was glad it got called off, i werent really in the mood after losing all that dosh. I played about 30 minutes in the afternoon breaking even, but came off as i was shattered and had a short snooze. In the evening i just minced watched the footy and randomly played a few rounds of $3/6 limit poker with my man Mr Cea. I was lucky enough to catch a few flops but played them well also managing to make $128 bucks in total which i'll add to Aprils monthly total. Im off now fish, laters.

Lost $900 tonight which pissed me off, i was doing so well recently aswell. I grinded for a few hrs and then logged off with a tiny loss. However, i logged back on alittle later and lost $900 in one fucking hour. I had about 3-4 coolers where it was tough to escape and lost a big pot with three 8's to pocket kings, king on the river, sigh. Oh well thats it for April, a really disappointing end see's me finish the month with a $2,250 profit. Annual earnings currently stand at $16,750 which is pretty average imo. Fresh start in May, laters.

Note to self: STOP BEING A CUNT!!! Snap out of it Jones, wtf is wrong with you? COCK! No more bullshit. Im trying to sort myself out but its a struggle lol. I hauled myself out of bed at the record busting time of 9.30am on Sat and also awoke from my wank pit at the unearthly hour of 11.30am on Sunday, wp me! However, today i didn't wake up until 1.30pm ish, doh! If i could wake up early most of the time, then go gym and play poker and then do whatever on most evenings my head probably wouldn't be as fucked as it is sometimes. I think its the only reason i get these occasional bouts of depression tbh, but its tough waking up when you ain't got much to do, plus most poker fish play at night and thats when the traffic is at its best. Im such a lazy bum, i've always had a fucked up sleeping pattern, even when i was at work i used to go to sleep at 3-4am and wake up for 7am like a zombay!

Oh well at least the poker results have sorted themselves out atm. After about 3 weeks of pure shizz at the tarbs i have managed to make over $5k in the last two weeks. Played a fair few hours yesterday but weren't really rewarded for my efforts making a mere $150. Today i have only played for 30 minutes so fair but had to log off as i had a few errands that needed sorting that were slightly clouding my judgement. I actually roared into a $350 prof within 10 minutes or so after cold decking some poor bastard with pock biotches vs the fishays pock tens on a Q107 bord. However, i then preceded to jizz off most of this profit partly with the help of this hand firstly semi-bloofing and then chasing my draw, I never hit FFS! Do i have odds to call his turn bet btw??? Anyways, in the very next hand on a different tarb i was dealt pock snowmen and decided to rep a floosh, pheweeee! I finished the 30 minutes sesh with another $150 profit.

I realised yesterday why i aint had a shag for a few months now, you actually have to leave the flat and meet people. I've hardly been out much the last 2 months, im turning into a fucking social recluse, Amatay the hermit. I know quite a few people honest lol, but i don't see them much anymore. I aint even been out on the lash with all the lads i went on holiday with since the hol in the first week of March, that's fucking outrageous!!!!!! Cunt Jones, CUNT! I was ill for 2 weeks of that plus losing a few thousand on the tarbs aswell as smashing up my motor didn't exactly put me in a partay mood, but its still shocking. Sort it out you cunt face.

Buzzing abit right now actually. Just sorted out all the details of my cup Semi-final match on Wed. I still run the college football team where i taught Sport and Exercise Sciences for 6 years before turning to the darkside in Dec. However, we haven't had a game for a long time for one reason or another so it will be good to catch up with a few former work colleagues plus meet up with the boys again. We play Kingston and are probably favourites to make the finals although we maybe abit rustay, fingers crossed we make the final, it would be a nice achievement.

Right, end of todays blog entray. Im gonna stop being a social retard like i have been the last few months, pooomp some iron, pooomp some birds and booost some fish, laters.

Had a few beers down Rileys tonight and played abit of pokes with three solid poker playing fish that im good friends with. I think we played 5 games in total and i ended up busting my mate Simms in 4 of those games. I made one sick read on that little punk and i told the muthalicker that it was goin in the blog, so here it is....

I raised 3x bb with A3, my mate Dan called and Simms the fish started counting out his faggot stack of chips before declaring allin. Normally i muck my ace shit but my super poker skills and abilitay to look deep into Simmonds soul told me he was on the shizz, so i called with my A3 and he tabled 76o, i own you simpson!!! Simms was short but easily had more than enough chips to push me off a hand however, he usually grabs a big stack and shoves them in with any big ace or pocket pair. The fact that he started counting out his chips made me think that the little fish was counting to see if he had enough to make me fold, which he did. However, he obviously forgot that i can see into his soul. Four times i busted you Simms, four times!!! ahahahhahahahaha.

Despite this 'humerous' post im feeling abit down again today, things need to change and they are going to. No more, its over, im sick and tired of always being sick and tired. I feel like this might be my last ever blog entry right now, it might be. If it is then its a good last entry aye Simmonds ;-) Laters

Feeling abit more upbeat the last few days, been to the gym three times, gave my flat a good old clean which kinda serves to help cleanse my soul and gives me some karma and i've had some success at the tarbs aswell :-) although it didn't start off that great to be fair....
On Tuesday, i donked out of 75 buck tourn early doors playing shit, uninterested poker and also shizzed off a few more dollars playing them gay token things on FTP. Wtf am i doing i thought, so i fired up between 4 and 6 tarbs of $1/2 and quickly lost another $400 odd, doh. The standard was horrible so i decided to stay. I was still getting butt fucked by the poker gods but kept going all night mainly because the players were sooo bad. I dont usually play between 5-8am so i didnt really know any of my opponents, but alot of them from what i could make out were poop. So, i battled on until about 10am and eventually finished with an $800 profit, woooot. I didnt really play much on Wed, not sure where that day went tbh?? I donked around on a short handed .5/1 tarble for about 30 mins and lost $50, today was much more profitable.
I played about 2 hrs before my gym sesh and made $377 despite 700 bucks worth of bard beat citay. I decided to fire up a few more tarbs later in the night and boooooooom, within one hour i had made another $750 ish, thats more like it Jones. However, i have a tendancy to play way too loose when i win dosh so quickly like that so i logged off about 5 mins later aftering shizzing off $200. So, in a mere three hours of play today i have made just over $900. I might play some more in abit or i might call it a night, not sure. Profit for April is now $2150, not bad considering i was stuck almost $2k about 8-9 days ago. I've also had over $2.7k randomly deposited into a poker related account of mine about 2 wks ago and im 99.9% certain that its not my dosh. Its still there now floating around in cyber space waiting to be withdrawn so it look like i've had a right result, fingers crossed. I told you all i was running bad!!! Laters fishays.

That's right i am a tormented soul, i am in torment, not only tormented by the fish just tormented lol. Sooo much pain at the poker tarbles, life's a grind. The demons in my head have been playing up again. My State of mind reflects that of my poker exploits, up down, happy sad. Ahhhhhh the pain... the suffering. My life is boring atm, wake up (anytime), wank (alot), gym (sometimes), poker (not enough), wank (waaaay to much), and then sleep. Dunno what to do???? Suggestions please fish, even the piss taking comments are welcome. Im in a rut, everyday is the same. This is a cry for HELP, an SOS!!! Laters :-) :-( :-)

Didn't go out on the piss yesterday, i've become abit of a social retard of late, i just didn't feel like it at all. I don't think i've been myself recently, its party because my sleeping habits are probably the worst they have ever been in my life, added to the fact that im not earning any dosh atm and have been on a quite bad run, I need to snap out of it big time. I even got offered sex on a plate by quite a good looking bird on Saturday night but i couldn't be bovved, im beginning to question my sexualitay ahaha. WTF is that all about Jones??? No wonder i ain't had a rump for a few months, jeeez. I just couldn't move, i had a few mates over, watched the Calzaghe fight, played some Mario Kart on the Wii and played five small donkaments...
Played two $26 on FTP, busted nowhere in one but finished 2/45 in one of those gay things for $270. Busted 1st hand in a $22 FO on pp with KJ in the bb, flop Q109, fish weren't folding Q10, 10 on the river, gg wp. I faired abit better in two other games finishing 8/150 in a $33 for $167 and 12/255 in a faggot 6 buck tourn. Total profit for the night $400 ish.
Tonight, i played in another two tourns but weren't really interested or concentrating tbh, and busted nowhere in both, pointless. I also played some cash and made $250 despite more shizz from the poker gods. It could have easily been $1500+ for my nights work. I'll quickly get a few off my chest... KK v QQ v AQ aipf, queen on the river, 66 on a 6QJ board, fish with QJ hits his Q on river, KQ on a J109 board and fish with 99 makes his boat. Fuck me there's $1200 worth right, there is more but i won't bore you fishays. Oh well, at least Im finally in profit for April now and i think i have broken the $15k barrier in annual winnings, it only took me two bloody months FFS! Gonna continue to grind this week and try and get some structure in my life, oh and i might give that bird a buzz aswell :-) laters.

Kinda satisfied but also alittle disappointed about tonights events on the cyber felt... In the cash games i played about 5-6 tarbs of $1/2 for 4 ish hours and made around $700 which i was pretty happy about seeing as i have been struggling abit on the cash tarbs recently. I also entered another tourn, this time a $33 FO and almost made another final tarb. I feel pretty sick about it now actually. I busted 13/294 for a shitty $105, 1st place got $2.3k. I busted with 66 into QQ when i shoved about 8-9 bb's. I kinda wish i hadnt done that now but its all hindsight i guess, i think it was the right move?? Where my fucking 6 on the river god damn!

It always fucking guts ya when you bust out of a tourn, especially when you come so close and invest so much time and energy into it. Oh well, im still content with how i have played tonight and happy with my overall $800 profit. It also means im about even for April now, about bloody time! Probably not gonna play any poker tomorrow, gonna get lashed with a few of the boys that i went on holiday with, laters.