Borgata

Date: Sun, Sep 7, 2008

This is straight from Pauly's twitter. It pretty much sums up my recent trip to the Borgata.

derek is hammered. he tried to go shot for shot w. alcanthang over 4 hours. al looks normal. derek? shitfaced! 02:54 PM September 05, 2008 from txt

wow.... derek was right. eskimo clark in the house. confirmed eskimo sighting at the borgata. save the eskimo. save the world. 09:43 AM September 05, 2008 from txt

crushing the borgata buffet w. derek & the rooster. 08:17 AM September 05, 2008 from txt

Besides Pauly, I got to hang out with Friedman alot.

I spent a few hours with AlCan'tHang, The Rooster and Riggstad too.

The Rooster and I saw a smokin' hot chick crush the craps table. She had next to nothing on and it was only 11am. Working or not working?

Late one night, Pauly and I got a drunken phone call from Daddy. He was on speaker phone and it was hilarious.

Surprisingly, I also got a drunken phone call from Deng Dong.

Then I met Lacey Jones. We touched twice. Nuff said.

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Mr. Baseball . . . .

Date: Sun, Aug 17, 2008

I saw this on ESPN's website and laughed.

But what about Jack Elliot? I heard he led the league in 2 out doubles after the 7th inning.

All-time baseball movie batting leaders

1. Kelly Leak, Chico's Bail Bonds, .665
2. Roy Hobbs, New York Knights, .422
3. Crash Davis, Durham Bulls, .398
4. Dottie Hinson, Rockford Peaches, .377
5. Willie Mays Hayes, Cleveland Indians, .356

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Los Angeles . . .

Date: Wed, Aug 13, 2008

King for a Day

I had a pretty good time in LA with Pauly and Change100. I went to two baseball games and ate a shitload of food.

The smoke was pretty dam good too. Swiss Cheese and LA Confidential are goot.

I got slightly sun burned at the Yankees/Angels game. I loved how the Yankee fans were louder than the Angels fans. Well, until that damn rally monkey came out.

I hate that fucking thing. And I do mean hate.

The little rally monkey movie productions on the scoreboard are horribly annoying.

Anaheim stadium was very smoker friendly though.

The food situation was pretty well set up too from a vending standpoint.

Loved the air conditioning in the hallways between the restrooms and food court.

The Angels have a very damn good team. And Vlad Guerrero is still a beast. Tori Hunter too.


I sent a text message to Mustafa shortly after we arrived at the ballpark.

It said, "The Angels have 5 black players in their starting lineup today. Gary Sheffield would approve. Holla!"

Great seats at both games. Very similar spots too. Got to see some great plays by left fielders including Garrett Anderson and Xavier Nady.

And of course, there was Manny Ramirez.


He was made for LA.

Dodger Stadium was much nicer than I thought it would be. Seating layout was much better on the field level than at Anaheim.

After getting burned at the Angels game, I now know why the Dodgers have those gay yellow seats.

I crushed two Dodger dogs in honor of Snailtrax.

High end beer and ice cream in one line? Awesome.

The Sausage Haus at Anaheim made some nice money off of me.

Though, I should've eaten at the outdoor grill. The food out there was of the Snailtrax proportion.


Cheap smokes rule.

Huevos O'Groats, homemade tortillas made from their biscuits. Nuff said.


Ate a great BBQ courtesy of Pauly and Change100.

Unfortunately I did not clog a toilet during this trip. And it was not for lack of effort.

I mistakenly used a decorative soap at Change100's parent's house. Not once but three times. I should've known something wasn't right when the soap looked like it belonged to Andre the Giant. That was definitely a bar of soap that could wash his ass properly.

Where was the Five Towns billboard?

The Pann Diner. That toilet bowl that John Travolta shits in when the diner is getting robbed in Pulp Fiction . . . it has a curtain for the door. No stall doors. Talk about flapping in the wind.

Dodger Stadium is where "the incident" happened.

Apparently Dodger fans do not like non-Dodger fans.

The Dodgers were playing the Phillies. There were 4 Philly fans sitting in front of us dressed up in full gear. They were a little rowdy but nothing out of the norm. They were jokers more than jerks. Every time Tommy LaSorda's pic was flashed on the scoreboard screen, they would remind the crowd that Tommy was from Pennsylvania. The Dodger fans did not like this so they started throwing stuff at the Philly fans.

I made the mistake of asking them to stop. That made things worse.

The next thing I know, two guys are threatening us. One guy ran down the aisle stairs while the other clown just jumped down the three rows.

That's when I got punched. Never saw it coming. What happened to pushing first? Guy was a southpaw too. Fucking cagey ass mofo. I wonder how Phil Ivey would've played this?

I didn't even know I was cut. It happened so fast. I do remember looking at the guy and smirking right after he punched me. He kind of looked scared.

I turned and looked at his friend trying to sneak up on us from the row below us. As soon as I turned toward him, he froze up and looked scared too. Then he started jawing and that's when I heard a girl scream.

I looked down and saw blood all over my shirt.

Then both guys tried to run.

Dodger officials finally stepped in and stopped them.

I was bleeding bad but not hurt. I kind of felt like Marvelous Marvin Haggler at that moment. Well, minus the marvelous part. Unfortunately, that feeling changed as the situation quickly turned into the Ron Artest circus show.

As I'm being escorted up the aisle, chants of "Phillies suck!" rained down on us and everyone pointed at me. I stopped and turned to the crowd and said, "Fuck you, I ain't a Philly fan but your team still sucks!"

Pauly was wearing a NY Yankee baseball hat.

On a dime, the crowd started chanting, "Yankees suck!" and that's when the beers and food started poring down on us.

Ironically, I don't think we were hit by one beer. Horrible aim by the mob. They can't hit a fat target like me?

Here's a pic Pauly took of me moments after we were honored with the Ron Artest red carpet treatment.

I can tell you exactly what's running through my mind at that moment.



Fuck. My shirt is ruined.
Fuck. I need stitches.
Fuck. I hope this isn't on Sportscenter.
Fuck. It's going to cost me $600 to fly back to this shit hole for court.
Fuck. I didn't finish my beer.
Fuck. We have to leave now.
Fuck. I'm glad I don't have weed on me right now.
Fuck. I should've walked away. Naw, I should've punched that clown before he ran away.
Fuck. I'm glad I didn't wear my Snailtrax shirt tonight.
Fuck. The LAPD is going to screw me somehow.
Fuck. WTF just happened!
Fuck. I wanted a third Dodger Dog.
Fuck. This is going to cost me more than $600 to come back here.
Fuck. Can't we just hold him down and let me punch him once and call it even?

Shortly after the guy was arrested I was taken to the first aid room where the doctors stitched me up Patrick Swayze Roadhouse style.

Then things got shady.

This guy lied and said I pushed him first. LAPD knew he was full of it but if he says I pushed or shoved him, than that was considered assault and battery. I was going to jail too if I continued pressing charges.

The LAPD said there was no security footage and no witnesses other than the parties involved. I was going to jail and a judge would decide.

I didn't know what to do. My flight home was the next day and I definitely didn't want to go to jail. I had insurance so I said screw it. Where's a lawyer when you need one? Did we just do a chop or did I just get bluffed out of a huge pot?

Was I just hoodwinked by the LAPD?

Either way, I hope that fucker broke his hand.

Here's a couple of random thoughts I had while typing this post . . . .

1. Breakfast burritos should run away when I walk into a diner.
2. I wish the Farmer's Market was across the street from where I worked. I would eat there everyday.
3. Pineapple Express. Greatest Stoner Action Movie Ever. Must see. I haven't been to the movies in 3 years and saw this flick twice.
4. Brett Favre to the Jets? Chad Pennington to the Dolphins? I smell a sequel to "There's Something about Mary."
5. They have MiBs in LA.
6. That Arnold Palmer Tee rules.
7. Dean Youngblood went back to Thunder Bay didn't he?
8. I told the LAPD that I weighed 215 pounds and the assholes put down 230.

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Tao of Poker's 5th Birthday Celebration

Date: Sun, Aug 3, 2008

Holy Smokes!

This week is Pauly's big tourney. As everyone knows by now, he's celebrating the Tao of Poker's fifth birthday by throwing a private tournament on PokerStars with a special bonus to the winner.

The winner gets two nights at the Borgata Hotel & Spa in Atlantic City as well as an entry into the $5,000 buy-in NL tournament for the Borgata Poker Open on September 12th.

Fore specific details...click here.

Good luck everyone!

And yes, I'm officially the two time, that is . . . two time PLO champ of Saturdays with Dr. Pauly.

So damn rigged.

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RIP Bobby Murcer

Date: Sun, Jul 13, 2008

One of my favorite Yankee broadcasters died yesterday.



Class act.

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Long live the dwarf . . .

Date: Sat, Jul 12, 2008

Congrats Iggy!!

What a run for the little man. Great job at the WSOP Main Event bro . . . very proud of you.

And Happy belated to the Donkeyfucker!

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Google this . . .

Date: Mon, Jul 7, 2008

Since the Brew Crew got lucky and landed CC Sabathia in a trade, I decided to do Stb a solid.

I present the ass shot . . . . and yes, it's my desktop wallpaper.

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So rigged . . . . .

Date: Sat, Jun 28, 2008

It took me almost 22 tries but it finally happened.




I am the PLO king.

So damn rigged!

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Which way to the Zoo?

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008

Which One?

Michael Kay: Now Jake Peavy is a very god fearing man and he does not swear. Did you ever have teammates that didn’t swear David??

David Cone: None that I trusted.

I feel that way about people who say they never go on tilt.

I’m on Chien-Ming Wang TILT.

So is Hank aka mini-Stein.

At least Cone talked about the benefits of scuffing the ball.

And yes . . . . FUCK the Mets for firing my main man Willie Randolph.

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New York City

Date: Sun, May 11, 2008

I had a great time last weekend.

I’m glad I got to pre-celebrate Iggy’s latest birthday in style with him, G-Money, Pauly, Stb, The Rooster, F-Train, Bobby and Elizabeth.

White Gold and the Swayzzz too.

No Gary Busey though.


Only a quick recap for me this time.

Go read Pauly’s posts if you want better details. He did a great job recanting the entire weekend and hijinks.

Bender 1

Bender 2

NYC Videos

NYC Prop bets

He also has a great photo gallery.



To summarize this weekend best . . .

Bar hopping.

Benders.

Dial-a-shots with AlCantHang.


Prop bets.

Angle shooting.

Amazing Cab races.

Pinball.

Afghan Wigs.

Yankee Stadium.


Wall Street.

Ground Zero.

Big Nick's.



The Bull.

Girder safety inspectors. Smoke always seemed to be coming out from the structure.

Romanians or Bulgarians?

Phone booth safety inspectors.




Utah get me two.

A female bartender let me smoke her weed.

Good friends.

Good times.



Oh yeah I almost forgot.

The Rooster took a dump in the ladies room at one bar near Bleecker Street. The men’s room had fresh ice in the urinal and toilet. Not sure why he passed on that.

Then a woman with a shaved head took a dump in the men’s room in a midtown bar the next day. I guess it was a “waiting on line” thing. Or maybe she just wanted to stink up the men’s room. She was a dyke you know.

And of course . . . we saw a lesbian wedding. Horny latinas too.

For the record, my two favorite Patrick Swayze movies are Red Dawn and Youngblood.






Here's some of my favorite pics from last weekend courtesy of Pauly . . .

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May 9, 2008 = 4 years old

Date: Sun, Apr 27, 2008

It's About High Time . . . .


Since I'm coming up on the 4th anniversary of my poker blog, I thought I’d go old school.

And when I say old school, I mean a bad beat story.

A real bad beat story.

So don’t get your hopes up.




Poker content. Real poker. You can bet on that.

Luckily, no hand histories will be posted here. There’s a little twist though.

Let's reverse it for once.

Instead of talking about getting a bad beat, I thought it would be better to talk about a bad beat I issued on someone. I don't hear enough stories about those kinds of beats.

You know, the ones where you’re the donkey.

It's more fun that way. In fact, let’s talk about two beats in particular.

Some would say they're bone rattling junk kickers.

I'd call them viscous beats. Without a doubt.

Can you feel the suckouts coming? I know they can.

It's not just about taking someone's money you know.

Sometimes it’s about taking their dignity too.



El maldito rio is what they called it in 2004 . . . for the other guy, not me. Some things never change.

Bad beats happen all the time. Some worse than others.

Mine are gold.

As you will soon see.

I was horrified at first. I shook my head both times.

After having some time to digest them, I've become quite fond of them.

I hope you do too.

It didn't take much to convince me. They're instant classics in my book.

It’s safe to assume that I am the donkey in each.





Suckout # 1:

I had K-To in late position and I was one of the big stacks in a tourney. This suckout was huge because the pot was three way and I had the worst hand preflop.

I went up against K-Js who had a real big stack too and T-T who had the shortest stack of the three of us.

I raised preflop after K-J limped. It was a huge over raise by me too. I got both guys to call with T-T moving all in for the rest of his chips.

The flop came down K-4-8 rainbow.

K-J moved all in on the flop. I thought forever before I made my decision. I said fuck it.

I was the big stack. Plus it was only one click away.

“Call,” I said to my computer screen.

Then I clicked the call button like any donkey would.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to witness a miracle.

The turn card was a K.

The river card was a Ten.

So freakin' sick.

The chat erupted with the usual banter. Some insults too.

1 beat. 2 players busted.

My big stack became a monster stack.

After a few barbs were sent my way.

I typed, “Ship it!” in the chat. Just to be a dick.

I don’t even remember how I did in that tourney. Nor do I care right now.

It’s about the memories, you see.

Sure, I play to win the game. But sometimes, it’s about making someone cry.

I’m pretty sure one of those guys cried that night. They always do after a bad beat.

This time would be no different.

I felt it in my heart.

I'd buy that for a dollar. Who wouldn't?



KT vs KJ vs TT:

Board is K48-K-T




Suckout # 2:


I had A-K.

My opponent had 4-4.

I raised preflop of course.

He called.

The flop comes down K-4-5.

He bet.

I raised.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was in trouble. Or so conventional wisdom would dictate.

Apparently, TPTK is gold against a set.

What happened next was brutal.

I know. You think I caught runner runner for the wheel, right?

Nope, think again.



This is what made the beat so chilling and tough to stomach.

The turn card was a 5.

Full house for him.

Two pair for me. With an Ace kicker I thought.

The river was a 5.

Someone got felted and it wasn't me.

“He had you on the turn,” someone typed in the chat.

No shit Sherlock.

That beat was rough for sure.

Hell, I didn’t even realize I won the pot at first.

Then Riverstars shipped it my way.

Wow.



“He had you on the turn.”

Yes, but you had me at hello.

Sure, I caught running 5's to win the pot with a higher boat.

But was I such a bad person?

I’m obviously a donkey. A river rat too. No arguments there.

Save it for your blog?

Let it go I say. Can’t we all get along?

Horrific beat? Sure.

But it's also a fine piece of art work. A masterpiece even.

My only regret is that my opponent didn't have more money.

Good bad beat stories are fun. You can't charge anyone for listening to those, can you?

Do you smell what I'm cooking?

Here's to 4 more years you crackers!!


AK vs 44:

Board is K45-5-5


Speaking of bad beats and crackers . . . poor poor Tommy from Angel Beach had to deal with this chick tugging at his tallywhacker. Mustafa tells me he's seen worse beats than Beulah Balbricker. I don't doubt that for one second.

Enjoy . . .

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March Madness 2008

Date: Sat, Apr 5, 2008

What’s your real name?

Most poker players blow their winnings in the sport book or at the craps tables.

Not me.

I blow mine on strippers.

-EV indeed.

At least strippers provide high quality entertainment. Especially at the Rhino.

There was one lap dance in particular that was pretty intense.

It happened between the main stage and the bar.

It was pretty similar to crunch time during a close NCAA tournament game.

March Madness indeed.


I practically had sex that first night at the Rhino.

Technically speaking, it was the best 5 minutes of both our lives.

I’m pretty sure of that.

The best part . . . it only cost me $40.

She stained my pants too.

They call it the reverse cowgirl.

After it was over, she twirled around and said two things to me.

“That was hot” and “Wow you're sweating.”

Very hot.

Talk about value betting.

I spent $700 that night but that was the best $40 anyone could lay out.

I got action. And was paid off.

I have absolutely no self control.

Neither did she obviously.

She was a Hawaiian/Latina who lived in LA and liked to surf.

Or so she said.

Unfortunately, I never saw her again.

That was my last lap dance of the night too.

Some random guy sitting nearby with his friends mentioned that he almost blew a load watching that lap dance.

“Me too,” I said.

Then it hit me as she walked away.

I never caught her name.

So the NCAA games hadn’t even started and I was already in the hole.

The pressure was on.

I had to win.

Especially if I wanted to hit the strip club again.

Search for that perfect lap dance damnit!




Decision making is very important. And not just at the sportsbook or poker table.

It also applies to strip clubs and life in general.

I had a losing record at the sportsbook but I still won money.

Weighting your picks is key. I hit most of my big bets.

Hitting a few parlays also helps.

Did I mention the Wisconsin Badgers suck cock?

I could’ve spent that $550 at the strip club.

I will never bet on Wisconsin again.

Well, maybe I would if Waffles was betting against them.

Fade his picks.

Then ship it!




That is my real name


I arrived in Las Vegas on a Wednesday and played poker at the Red Rock Casino with Pauly.

Pauly got felted a couple of times and I lost $60 playing NL.

I lied to one stripper. I told her that I owned a huge dildo manufacturing and distribution company. She believed me too.

During a lap dance, some stripper asked me how my bracket was doing. I lied.




I went to Red Rock Canyon and saw some chicks modeling lingerie in a remote area. They thought Senor and I were jerking off to them. They later asked us to help them carry their stuff. It was a huge hike so Senor and I laughed and said we had enough exercise for one day.






Me, Pauly and his buddies Senor and Turtle met up with Miami Don at the sportsbook on Thursday and watched the games all day. That morning I clogged a toilet.






We went bowling at Red Rock Lanes. We had several prop bets going while jail bait and horny housewives surrounded us.

A few lanes down, several women looked like they were having a bachelorette party or something. As Miami Don noted, they can't all be pregnant.

Later on in the night, two rambunctious lesbians were bowling two lanes down from us. They were constantly hooting and hollering. And hugging.

We picked random frames and whoever bowled a strike won the $100 pot. Miami Don won 3 out of 4 times. He’s a money player but we kept busting his balls for hustling us because those were the only strikes he bowled all night.


I bowled 3 strikes in a row right out of the shoot but it was all downhill from there. Until I won a money ball that is.

Senor kicked ass all night.

There was a guy at the alley who was obviously on a date with a pro . . . she looked like a horny high school teenager too. Her pre-bowling routine was something to marvel at.



Turtle and Senor went to Cheetah Thursday night. They said it was as dirty as Pauly described. They loved every minute of it but it was no Rhino.

There was a Dan Mikalski sighting at Red Rock Casino.

There was a fight in the Red Rock sportsbook on Friday. Some guy got bitch slapped in the VIP section. He also had some racing forms thrown in his face. Miami Don and I couldn’t stop laughing.

There was only one hooker at the Red Rock hooker bar.

But there was also a hooker standing near the elevator bank scoping out the lobby bar scene. She winked and smiled at us a few times. I saw her standing at her post three days in a row. Some call that dedication.

We watched the games with JW and Friedman on Saturday. Most of the money I won that afternoon was blown at the strip club that night. I lost most of my week's sports betting profits at the Rhino. It was money well spent though. The Adopt a Stripper Foundation is a good cause.


I heard a stripper yelling at some guy for lying to her. Every stripper in the room who was riding straddle on a guy stopped grinding and looked over at the commotion. Someone yelled, “Time is money!” Immediately, all the strippers went back to work and started grinding in unison as if nothing happened.

As I was getting my last lap dance of the night I saw some guy jump up from his dance when he saw his friend across the room.

He mentioned to his buddy that he saw poker player David Williams by the Rhino bar earlier.

I wondered if Mr. Williams was sucking on a stripper’s foot that night? He does have a foot fetish you know.

I smirked and said to both guys, “That’s nothing bro. I saw Dr. Pauly in here the other night. Jerry Yang and Mel Judah too.”

That’s when a stripper said, “Oh I met Dr. Pauly. He’s a movie producer isn’t he?”

Sure.

I finished off my sports betting trip going 0-3 on Sunday.

Stephen Curry and Davidson are pretty scrappy. They killed me all week but especially that day.




Good times though. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I always have a blast hanging out with Pauly, Senor and Miami Don.

I hadn’t seen Turtle in years. Or as he likes to tell strippers and drunk girls, "I'm Ryan Mansfield honey."

Pauly called him a mix between Larry David and Vince Vaughn.

Dead on.

For the first time in a very long time, Senor did not drop his pants.

Awesome trip.


Nah. What was it before you changed it?


STATS:

Strip club stats: -1,200 for two visits
Poker stats: -300 two sessions
Bowling stats: -40 for 4 games. It would’ve been worse if I didn’t win one of the money balls.
Cigarette stats: -70 Two packs a day for 5 straight days



NCAA gambling stats:
9-14 over 4 days
+800

UNC, Kansas, Western Kentucky, Louisville and Xavier were big winners for me. I lost most of my small and medium bets and one big one on Wisconsin. Luckily I won all of my other big bets. The strip clubs and the last day of the NCAA tourney killed me. I would’ve been up more if it weren’t for Davidson.


Once again UCLA won me some big money when they let Western Kentucky score a last second basket uncontested. That basket broke the spread.

Clyde Frazier would call that El Matador D or Swiss Cheese D by UCLA. I love point shavers.


The funny thing is that I tried to bet less this year. Last year I put down bets ranging from $1100 to $5500 on any one game.

I tried to be more responsible this year and topped out at $1100 on a game. But most of my bets were $550 and lower this year.

Hedging bets on parlays is key too.

I can’t wait to do it all over again next year.

Viva la March Madness!

You say goodbye . . . . .



and I say hello.




Fire Isiah Thomas please!

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You play to win the game . . .

Date: Mon, Mar 10, 2008

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Saturdays with Dr. Pauly

Date: Thu, Feb 14, 2008

The Rooster won it last week.

But that was because I didn't play. I was preoccupied stuffing my face in public.

I knocked The Rooster out of the tourney the first week.

I hope to do so again.

To be the man, you got to beat the man.

Woooooo!

Thank you, come again.

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