Poker musical the first sign of madness

Date: Wed, Jul 2, 2008 Internet

Every so often, you get to read a news story that gets progressively worse the more it unfolds. This is such a story.

If it's possible to identify the moment at which a game crosses the boundary between 'up-and-coming' and 'yesterday's news', I'll wager that moment is when someone writes a musical about it.

"All In: The Poker Musical was created by Tim Molyneux, with support from Phil Hellmuth and the WSOP. It is the first poker-themed musical and the first musical to be developed in conjunction with a leading sports brand."

If you think Hellmuth's 'support' amounts to lending his name and a few thousand dollars to the project, think again. Apparently, "Hellmuth will be a character in the show, and he worked with Molyneux to help bring an authentic poker player's thinking and attitude to life on the stage."

"Through the lyrics of the songs and style of music, we see not only who these final nine players are, but we are able to see ourselves, our families, and our world," said Phil Hellmuth, an 11-time WSOP bracelet winner.

"Tim is known for writing very commercial material that is not only creative but sexy, hip and attainable for the masses," said Hellmuth. "His poker musical sings loudly that poker is for everyone and we are all in this special game and this world together."

Jeez Louise...First those ridiculous UltimateBet hockey shirts; now this. If Hellmuth's judgment at the table matched his judgment away from it, the only bracelets he'd own would be inherited from his grandmother...

But wait: seems he's not alone in getting involved with stories he shouldn't even touch with someone else's bargepole:

"WSOP commissioner Jeffrey Pollack said the musical really captures what the WSOP brand stands for."

Of course. Because from Beethoven to Lennon & McCartney, the essence of music has been capturing the brand. Jeffrey Pollack is probably the only man in the world who thinks of The Sound of Music as a missed opportunity by the Nazi Party.

"The game of poker is metaphor for the game of life," Pollack said. "Now one man's vision and creativity will show us just how close they really are in this special concert."

What can I say? It's late in this year's WSOP: it's been a long old event. Everyone's tired, emotional and willing to spout the most ludicrous crap on just about anything while there's a mike under his nose...

Mike Caro redefines the squeeze play

Date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 Internet

I dare say I'll enjoy it when it happens but not a month goes by these days without me uncovering one more reason not to rush headlong into the arms of live poker.

This month, and completely inadvertently, I'm sure, my inspiration is Mike Caro, a great man who thrives on the live game and whom I suspect has no idea of the monster he is creating.

On page three of the latest Poker Player Newspaper, he counsels Decorum - basically, Mr Nice Guy with a hidden agenda:

"The worst way to present yourself is as an unfriendly foe. When you ridicule opponents or complain, you make the game less fun for opponents. You might be thinking, 'Who cares if my opponents have fun?' Well, you should care. When opponents are having fun, they venture into more pots with weaker hands and you make a whole lot more money.

"...you can be intimidating and friendly at the same time. When opponents can’t figure out what you’re going to do next, but still enjoy the challenge, you’ve got psychology working your way. But when you intimidate through irritation, when you disparage opposing play, when you get mad when you suffer bad beats, or when you’re sarcastic, that makes opponents less likely to continue mailing you their chips. They’re intimidated, but they’re determined to fight harder.
I tell opponents I’m cheering for them — and I really do it.

"Question 68: So, could you summarize your beliefs about poker decorum?
Sure. Be friendly, play happy, and bluff your friends."

Mike, I can see exactly where you're coming from. Just answer me this: when I sit down at a live game from now on, whom am I supposed to hate more - the sincere SOB or the insincere glad-hander keen to know what kind of day I've had?

I'm squeezed, Mike. All the way back to online land and the safe neutrality of the avatar.

Prostitutes won't take recession lying down

Date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 Internet

Having touched before on the question of whether Las Vegas fears a recession, I believe I may have the definitive answer.

There has to be some kind of meltdown in the air when even the world's oldest profession is introducing a customer loyalty programme.

As from Monday, Nevada's Shady Lady Ranch will be dispensing gasoline gift cards to paying customers. Spend $300 there and you get $50 towards your travelling costs; spend $500 and the gas gift doubles to $100.

There are so many great lines in this Las Vegas Review Journal report, I hardly know where to begin:

"Over the past three years, the Shady Lady's two closest competitors - Angels Ladies to the south and the Cottontail Ranch to the north - have closed their doors.

'She's a voice crying out there in the wilderness all by herself,' Flint said of [Shady Lady owner Bobbi] Davis."

"The impact of rising fuel costs is obvious at brothels along Interstate 80 in Northern Nevada...Business there has declined by about 20 percent, mostly due to long-haul truckers who can barely afford diesel fuel, let alone creature comforts on the road."

"At the Moonlight Bunny Ranch near Carson City, outspoken owner Dennis Hof is offering to double the money of the first 100 customers who choose to cash their federal stimulus checks at the brothel.

'What are you going to do, take your stimulus check to Wal-Mart? That money is going back to China,' he said. 'Give it to the hookers, and it will go to tattoo parlors and beer and massage therapists and hair stylists and manicurists. We're keeping the money in America.'"

At a time when barely a week goes by without another daft job title crawling out of the labour exchange woodwork, however, pride of place must go to 'Brothel industry lobbyist' George Flint. There's a man who's probably heard every 'payment in kind' gag there is, at least a hundred times over.

And I bet he really wanted to be a doctor.


[pic courtesy of jotor]
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Play it safe in poker tournaments - Negreanu
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Pic of the day

Hypnosis: off I go into poker's twilight zone

Date: Tue, Jun 24, 2008 Internet

If I didn't write about the game, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at the Think Like A Poker Pro self-hypnosis system, let alone downloaded the free mp3 file that gets me started.

I have mediocre, if limited, experience of hypnosis. Build Self-Esteem and Reduce Stress cassettes, to which I used to listen in the '90s (don't be a lawyer for a living) left abiding memories of a scary American voice that made me snigger, presumably breaking the spell, whenever it invited me to let relaxation seep into my upper legs and "buddox".

It must have made some impression on me because I no longer hear New Age music without involuntarily reaching for a hammer but I'm not sure that was the object of the exercise.

But I'm a writer now and these things must be investigated, although the follow-up page to the enrolment form inspires less confidence the more of it you read:

"Become the luckiest person you know with the BRAND NEW Celestial Luck report!"

Going...

"Researchers have used this amazing program to WIN over a hundred jackpots at the slot machines"

Going...

"Make a living from roulette"

Gone.
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Elsewhere on the subject of hypnosis help, Tim Ryerson is largely sceptical (although he does show you that NLP stands for something other than no limit poker) the Guide to the Best Poker Sites wants us to seriously consider "chanting in a barely audible sound" while sports hypnotherapist Michele Burghardt introduces welcome practicality into the topic. It's not all swinging pocket watches and "look into my eyes," apparently...
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Oh and for the benefit of readers from the UK - the land where thinking for oneself has gone the way of the brontosaurus - do not attempt hypnosis of any kind without proper supervision, alway ask the permission of the person in whose house you live before hypnotising anyone and all trances cost 38 pence a minute, 19p off-peak.

Austrian gambling ads too tongue-in-cheek for comfort

Date: Fri, Jun 20, 2008 Internet

This is why satire dies: because the old jokes start becoming reality...

What's the definition of "yuk", we used to ask in the playground. When your grandmother kisses you goodbye and sticks her tongue in.

How we laughed. As if...

"Austria's advertising standards authority has ordered bet-at-home.com to withdraw its Euro 2008 billboard advertising campaign following numerous complaints from concerned parents.

The advertisement, featuring a young couple tongue kissing, was ruled inappropriate after children began imitating it.

"In one complaint, a grandmother from Vienna accused the ad of contributing to the moral decline of society by exposing children to such imagery. The grandmother was motivated to make the complaint after a visit by her grandson turned sour.

"In her complaint she describes the moment when she went to greet her grandson with a kiss, only to feel 'the full frightening tongue of the child' in her mouth."

[pic courtesy of hunterseakerhk]

Review: 'Taking Chances - winning with probability'

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008 Internet

Take any group of Ferrari owners and chances are there'll be some who love being able to give you chapter and verse on why the engine performs as beautifully as it does.

The rest? They won't really care. They're just happy that it does and that they earn enough to own one.

That's the thing you must bear in mind before deciding whether to buy John Haigh's guide to probabilities: he's written it for the chapter-and-verse type of gambler.

If you love numbers for their own sake and are happy to be led down all manner of highways and byways, then this is the book for you. Haigh, a reader in Mathematics & Statistics at the University of Sussex, will show you the nitty-gritty on putting a number to your chances of just about anything.

His thoroughness probably can't be faulted but I say probably because I'm the who-cares-? type of gambler and was therefore reduced to skimming this book from about the mid-point onwards.

I just need the gist of how odds work and more than anything, I wanted to see applied odds calculation. I wanted Haigh to report from bookies' counters and card dens with a Racing Post under his arm and two months' worth of mortgage repayments crammed into his wallet. I wanted to see his theories applied to individual races or hands of poker.

But that's not really him. He sounds every inch like a Reader in Mathematics and the helpful nuggets I got - that the first of two evenly-matched snooker players to take the lead in a multi-frame contest tends to hold onto it or that when odds are against you (eg roulette) you should bet your money quickly in lumps, rather than spreading it out over a long string of bets - were mere crumbs from the table.

I blame the designer more than the author. Sticking a pair of dice on the cover lends the book a glamour to which it doesn't really aspire but I cannot stress enough that stat-freak gamblers happy to dive deep into the arcane waters of chance may well find much of use in this 332-page paperback.

I just couldn't be bothered to stick with it long enough to be absolutely certain.

Microsoft Surface barely scratches my interest

Date: Sun, Jun 15, 2008 Internet

Few people's lives revolve around mouse and monitor more than mine but if there's one thing to be learnt from two days off-line, watching the US Open golf, it's that the Internet lifestyle can be like hitting yourself on the head with a hammer.

It's beautiful when it stops.

For a short while, you can savour things like sunlight poking its head through your window, or the easy chair that normally gathers dust while you're at your desk. Then there's the slow realisation that the world does indeed still function without your fingers dancing across a keyboard.

I mention this only so you know it's not just my age talking when I express my dismay at Harrah's move to install Microsoft Surface tables in the 'ibar' (oh please) at the Rio Casino, Vegas.

"[the tables] will let bar customers perform a number of functions, including viewing and sending messages to customers at one of the other Microsoft Surface tables...

"...Harrah's officials, however, believe that the "Flirt" program, which lets customers take and e-mail pictures and trade cell phone numbers, will be best-received by customers...

"...Other applications allow customers to watch YouTube, play computer games such as bowling or pinball, tour six of Harrah's properties in Las Vegas and watch video promotions of its shows. The tables will offer only one commercial application: Customers can order drinks through the system."

Can I just ask a question here? What the hell happened to conversation?

You know, the mediaeval art of requiring nothing more from your night out than to spend it in good company, drinking, chatting and laughing.

Have we really got to the stage where entertainment and conviviality only begin when people have a bunch of trivial gizmos to play with? Isn't Facebook enough anymore?

And how ironic that these tables should bear the stamp of Bill Gates' company. If you had to invent the perfect Saturday night fall-back for the geek who's IQ-heavy and charisma-light, this would probably be it. Women avoid you all night but you can still dazzle the waitress with your virtual bowling skills...

Watch this supposedly 'promotional' clip and ask yourself whom you'd like to slap more, him or her...